I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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