Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
