Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
