apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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