Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
