You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
