Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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