she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
how drunk are you?
Several
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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