k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
And then my night got REAL pukey
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
