just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
