Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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