He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize