I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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