he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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