yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize