i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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