I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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