two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
