I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize