you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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