just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
