she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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