so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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