I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize