I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
