I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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