I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
