I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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