I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
