member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
not ubering you a puppy
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
