I looked at my own cervix.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
