He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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