I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Randomize
