Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize