Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
