god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
