he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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