why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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