Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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