I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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