tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
