ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
