you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
