She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
