I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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