I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
