a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
