If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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