The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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