i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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