No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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