What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
