My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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