I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
