im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
