i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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