her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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