And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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