considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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