I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize